I am still in shock. I found out recently my husband of over 10 years has been going to japanese Brothels offbase and to Soaplands on a regular basis. And by regular I mean at least once a month if not more often than that. I know I want to get a divorce. The fact that he is constantly putting me into danger of contracting an STD and HIV is horrifying to me. So much that I just cant believe it but I do have some proof. I cant keep my eyes closed to this any longer. Even as I am writing this he is on TDY in Okinawa and I wont bore you with details but I have proof he is visiting these places there right now. 
Now my circumstances I feel are not very good. First of all he is a very mean person and if I just confront him he has threatened me before and I believe he will.. either throw me out of my own house or book a flight home for me and kick me out basically. I dont want to be the one who doesnt get out of this marriage in a 'good' way.  After being married for almost 15 years, no children. And being constantly put into danger of getting a life threatening disease I feel I deserve to get as much as I am owed out of this marriage.  I dont have anyone to talk to it is a very delicate matter .  I live on Yokota AFB. could anyone maybe tell me who I could talk to and maybe how the Divorce proceedings work. I am not american and  I was going to leave and let him deal with the divorce. Or would it be smarter if I file for it myself here onbase ? Would I have to pay for it if I am the one who files for it ? 
And another question. Since he has hurt me so badly I want to know if I can revenge myself in any way say I know the place offbase he goes to. Can I get it to close down  or tell them he has an STD which he has given to me. Or get him into trouble over this. I just feel like he has done me so wrong and I know in the end he will smile at me and not even feel bad about it . And these were my best years, I trusted him completely and ALWAYS been truthful to him.  I thought he was my family.  I feel so stupid of always being faithful to him now. the marriage feels like such a big lie right now.
I havent confronted him yet. Everytime we talked he just kept lying  to my face. There is no way he would ever admit the truth. I am sitting here crying and I just dont know how to start picking up my life and go on with it by myself.  I was always his wife. I feel like nothing without him. And it also makes me mad to think that but it is the truth how I feel.  My problem is I feel a little lost. I dont know any of my rights in this situation. maybe someone can recommend something . thanks for reading.

Read this cheating on deployments discussion. You will and should understand its happening. Some choose to look the other way, but it is happening.

Questions Regarding Husbands Cheating On Deployments
http://www.japanbases.com/forums/af...aspx#22524

Since he has hurt me so badly I want to know if I can revenge myself in any way say I know the place offbase he goes to. Can I get it to close down or tell them he has an STD which he has given to me. Or get him into trouble over this.

From the sounds of things its happening in Japan. This is apart of Japan culture. Sure it happens, but people just look the other way.

You need to realize these sort of activities happen everywhere, in every part of the world.

There will be prostitutes in 50 years from now, and they were here 200 years ago. Its just a lucrative business for those that go down that path.

Or get him into trouble over this. I just feel like he has done me so wrong and I know in the end he will smile at me and not even feel bad about it .

First, I think you need to think this through. Someone recently had a lot of advice for dealing with these sort of situations.

Here is the post you should read:

For Relationship Survival, Honesty Is Definitely The Best Policy
http://www.japanbases.com/forums/aft/5194.aspx

What would you do if your loved one did this to you..
http://www.japanbases.com/forums/af...aspx#11067

I dont blame the prostitutes. They are just doing their job und understand the risks. I just dont want to be put into danger of contracting a deadly disease because my husband goes there alot. That's not what I signed up for when I married him. I feel betrayed and I am in such disbelief over this. I know I have to move on because I will never ever be intimate with him again. Its so sad when you realise you wasted so much time with someone. I feel so dumb that it took me so long to find the proof. I always did have my suspicions.

Blue, my advice would be go to legal on base and find the answers to your questions. From the sound of it, you are in an abusive marriage...maybe not physical, but mentally and emotionally abusive. This can be almost as bad as a physical one. Been there done that. DON'T do anything in "revenge"! As much as you may want to due to being hurt, he will get his in the end...karma, karma, karma! Also with any revenge, you could possibly get yourself in trouble in the end. Don't stoop to his level. Show him that YOU are the smarter one and he lost a good thing! Although Adam says this is a part of Japanese culture in my opinion it's unacceptable in a marriage, unless BOTH parties agree to it. If he decides to expose himself to life threatening diseases, so be it, but YOU should not have to live with worrying about if you are at risk. No loving husband would do that. So RUN to legal and start the process if that's what you want. No one should live with a bully, and being as you have been married for awhile, you will be ok! Good luck

NO ITS NEVER OK TO GO TO THOSE PLACES. Dont get me started on HOW they get their workers. But please seek help, I googled and found that you can go to
Airman and Family Readiness Center Bldg 535
DSN 315-225-8725
Hours of Operation:
Mon-Thu • 7:30am-4:30pm
Fri • 9:30am-4:30pm
Sat/Sun/Hol/Exr/Down Days Closed

I dont know Thaiguy, when I just looked at it, it appears that you were just the first one to reply.

Oh, I saw you just realized. You had me going gonzo??? :0)

Back to the OP's question... Blue, I know you are speaking from the heart. But one word of caution --- you said you have "proof." Just make sure that "proof" isn't the gossip of other military wives. I've seen more stress in marriage from suspicion of cheating, than from actual cheating. If Nellie told Sue, and Sue told you, then I'd give about 90% odds that it ain't true. Anyway, it's for you to decide. Maybe you have more substantial evidence.

On your other comment: "I want to know if I can revenge myself in any way" don't even go there. If you have decided on divorce, then your focus should be on setting yourself up for your best possible future, not on making everyone else pay. You'll just end up making yourself look bad, and probably given his lawyer something to use against you. Forget about revenge; start looking to the future.

I wish it was gossip, no my proof is real. black on white. bank statements, coupons from various brothels , brothel telefon numbers in our gps and other things..... I found too much to ignore like I did before. Even though I have all this to look at and see him for who he really is , I still cant believe it. i will give up on the revenge thing its dumb to waste more time and energy on someone who basically doesnt care what happens to me.
@Nekoluvr I didnt really want to say it on here but he is emotionally abusive to me. I wont get into that , I learned to live with it and after a long time you dont see it clearly what he is doing or how he is treating you. Only when I look back I cant believe how I let him treat me this way and still stayed. I guess I should see it as a blessing finding out all this stuff now . It gives me the strength to let this marriage go and finally be happy.

Please dont feel guilty for being faithful. You held your vows the way he should have. Stay a faithful wife, dont let his indescrecions change you because you wont be any better than him. You are the bigger person, stay that way. So he wants to be single, give him the single life that he wants so bad. You can do it! Where is your family? Can you move back with them? And being married for 15 years, I am more than sure you are entitled to some financial gains....and him kicking you out? Ummm, no! If he wants to leave the house, fine. But I wouldnt leave until I have called my family and I secured a place to stay. Me personally (and you dont have to take my advice- this is me specifically), I will never leave my own house! You sound like you are wayyyyy too good for him anyway.

Don't beat yourself up for staying. Many women (and I'm sure men too) stay in mentally abusive relationships, not realizing it until later how brutal it can be. The person may think that "He will change, it will get better" and before you know it, you've been miserable for years. No one deserves to live like that! Unfortunately, you are not the first and sadly will not be the last.
You should be proud of yourself for taking your marriage vows seriously, and hold your head high for being "the better one" in this relationship.
Not having children with him will make things easier with leaving (if that's what you choose)...but be smart! Don't give in to his threats, and protect yourself...seek legal help ASAP! Take your "proof"...make copies if you need to, incase he destroys originals. I have a friend that was married 20 yrs. that just went through something similar to this. Take care of yourself FIRST!
The heartache will end (I promise) and you will become a VERY strong woman that will not let this happen to you again, and will have the happy life you so much deserve!

Posted By Nekoluvr on 02-20-2012 8:18 AM
Don't beat yourself up for staying. Many women (and I'm sure men too) stay in mentally abusive relationships, not realizing it until later how brutal it can be. The person may think that "He will change, it will get better" and before you know it, you've been miserable for years. No one deserves to live like that! Unfortunately, you are not the first and sadly will not be the last. 

Yes, this does work both ways.  I stayed with an emotionally abusive woman for far too long.  It took a lot of courage to leave as I really tried to honor my wedding vows.  In the end making this change opened so many doors to the life I truly wanted to live.  Now I'm in a very loving, healthy and supportive marriage, and I only regret I took so long to make the decision to leave.

The woman I left never changed, never got better, and now she is emotionally abusing the new guy that she's with.  Just glad it ain't me!

Thanks for your replies. I decided to leave before he comes back. I'll start the papers before he gets home. Its all over for me. To be honest I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than living with him for one more day. I cant wait to finally start my new life. I did a lot of thinking in the past few days. All the tears and stress. Its just not worth it.

My advice would be not to get advice from strangers on the internet...paradoxical.