For someone that would never cheat on my husband I am shocked to tell you things that go on when ships are out, is horrifying.   I am simply shocked, at all that goes on when the ships are out.  You dont have to be blind to see it.  I was out with my girls a few weeks ago, and we noticed it at several places we went to.  I see it on the main base, and at Ikego Club Takemiya.  When I see it, I just turn the other way, and walk away.  Its the same women I see with their husbands when they sit at the park with their kids.  These women need to stop.  Realize what your doing to your husbands, and the trust your breaking.

ok, enough of that. I'm all for fidelity, but you are not your brothers (or sisters) keeper. Each person must make their own choice, and the internet is not the place to hold people accountable.

One must go by that old slogan: "What happens in Ikego stays in Ikego." Or something like that.

Why the harsh comment, Thaiguy?  I thought this was a public forum where people can voice their opinion and bring things to light about their community?    I don't see anything wrong with opening a topic like this up for discussion.   

Jess, it is appalling that people behave that way.....especially the ones with kids.  But, I'm sure it's happening on both ends of the relationship.  If the wife is cheating, my guess is, the husband is doing the same because the marriage is already in obvious trouble.  I'm not saying that's always the case, but I'm sure it is more times than not.  The military life (especially in the navy) is not an easy one.  I think the time apart creates a lot of stress on young married couples, which leads to infidelity and a lot of broken marriages where couples just seem to "fall out of love."   

I think it is what it is. If someone chooses to vent on the forum then by all means, let it out. Why is it that it often feels that Jerry Falwell himself is moderating this board?

There are those who can't keep their privates in their pants, and there are those who choose to judge them. We are all living in a glass house here, and the stones are plentiful.

I saw the same thing in Iwakuni, in Atsugi, so why should it be a surprise that it is in Ikego too?

Yoko-girl is right. It happens on both ends. I think its appalling either way but when couples have children-its a whole different thing imho. People will never stop this kind of behavior-its been around forever unfortunately. This lifestyle is hard on everyone-the ones at home and the ones deployed.

I see TG is continuing his campaign to rid the Internet of what he deems to be unsuitable.

I understand your concerns. As a former sailor that was stationed in Sasebo for over 3 years, I must be honest and say that "some" sailors would say that "what's done at sea stays at sea". 

I was fortunate enough to fly back to base 5 days prior to our ships return. I too saw quite a bit of flirting by some women with men other than their spouses - this is not to say that they were kissing them in public or that it progressed to having sexual encounters with these men.

I must disclose that I dated and lived with a married woman (spouse of a sailor on another ship). She eventually did divorce him, but not until her husband of 7 years and myself both received "Dear John" letters. While I felt uncomfortable with what I was doing, I was reassured that her marriage was over and that he understood the situation. We were also very discreet and never did we hold hands in public (on or near base), nor did we ever drive together on or near base. That of course didn't make it right - to this day I've been hoping to locate her former husband so I could discuss my deep feelings of guilt regarding what I was doing.

In your case, I think you're right to feel upset with how you feel. Each of us, in our own way, we must be accountable to ourselves, our spouses, friendships, our families, and to our command.

I don't have advice other than to possibly suggest asking you to speak to a support group on base, the base chaplain, etc. If you feel like contacting me, I would welcome it.

Clifford

Besides the obvious scumminess of having an affair, WHO THE HELL HAS THE TIME??? I have four kids and from the time they are awake until they go to sleep, they are with me 24/7 and we are doing things together, including making care packages for my HUSBAND, their father. Where do these women find time much less someone to watch their kids??? I mean, wouldn't you have to GO somewhere to meet someone to have an affair with...  I will never get this.

So what happens if the deployemnt activities are agreed upon by both members beforehand?

I've known SEVERAL couples that share, and I've been asked to "come over and play" (didn't take the offer, didn't thik it was the "right" thing to do). Every person and every couple are different, while sharing may work for some it wouldn't for me.

I've also known many couples that didn't have an arrangement and it was horrible watching things unfold as the deployment went on. There was a guy on one ship, married to a civilian, she had a guy move in while her hubby was deployed. Then the "boyfriend" REFUSED to move out before her husband came home! End of my first deployment there were 7 guys that went home, found out their wife had cheated, and came back to the ship so they "wouldn't do anything stupid". And I know there were at least a dozen others that dealt with it differently.

What's happening here isn't new, and it will never end.

Thank you everyone for your comments. A lot of you made great feedback.

I know cheating goes on, I am still a newbie to the navy, but the word "discreet" means nothing to Navy spouses.

Thanks everyone ♥♥♥

I think Jess is hoping that by pointing this stuff out in a public forum that some of these people will realize that they aren't being as discreet as they think they are! And the comment about not having time for this foolishness is spot on! If you are busy with "wholesome" endeavors, the chance of this stuff happening will go way down. What's the old saying, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop"?

@Julie- My EX-wife found plenty of time. She joined the local babysitting club in the housing we were in during my tour in San Diego. All the kids would be upstairs, while the grown ups played downstairs. Oh, that's right.. I was punching holes in the ocean off of a coast I'm not allowed to talk about. Did I mention 'Ex-wife'?

Then there were wives while in Bangor, do you know about trident subs? They have two crews and trade off the boat every six months. They have their schedule planned out years in advance and very little change to it. I've seen wives kiss one husband good bye as he goes out to see and leave with the boyfriend from the other crew. Yeah, nothing new to the navy or any of the armed forces actually. One of the forward guys on my second boat was sent to capatin's mast for adultery. He was single, she wasn't. She was married to a Marine but said they were seperated. Marine was actually out on deployment manuvers. When he found out, he called my command gave the name of the sailor and had him written up on charges. Poor guy, lost a months pay and 45 days restricted to the boat. All due to believing the girl at face value.

To end this on a better note, most of the people in the service are not like that. They are hard working, kind hearted and good natured people. Put under a lot of stress due to seperation and the 'needs' of the job. Yet, you still come out the better for it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to torture my poor teens with some type of workout. Mwahahaha...

Its too bad that not all commands reprimand that way. As a wife who was recently in the dark about her husbands affairs just this past christmas with another enlisted in his command I was told nothing could be done unless i had a actual video despite everybody knowing about this affair and keeping in under wraps from. Im still with my husband because at the time I had a newborn and while he was at work "playing" with his "co-worker" I was at home with a colicky newborn. Im still here living in Japan questioning everyday if this was a mistake but if anything I wanted to be here and have my children near their father. We are still working it out so we will see. I am also a newbie but have heard multiple stories and out of the group we had back at our last command nobody knew was cheating other than my own. She also did not get reprimanded in anyway despite all my evidence. But I guess if your pay is reduced it also hurts the spouse and children so Im not sure its a suitable form of punishment. I dont understand peoples mentality and I would never leave my kids to go play around because I feel to guilty not just being married but also dumping my kids off to get my kicks with some guy. Now that my husband is deployed I can only have faith that he is keeping his nose clean but if not, oh well to some extent, because Im living in Japan and having a grand time with myself and kids and taking it all for what it is. Thats my affair I guess.

Who is Clifford? He just private messaged me and I don't recognize this person at all. Anyway, to answer you, Clifford, I get people have affairs, what I was saying was in a semi-amusing/pathetic tone of those who have had affairs coming from the standpoint of a wife/mother. I am guessing maybe someone cheated on you? That's too bad.

Yeah, I get people have time it was more of a " What kind of losers choose to spend their time doing this"....

Posted By Polly on 06-28-2011 8:56 AM
I think Jess is hoping that by pointing this stuff out in a public forum that some of these people will realize that they aren't being as discreet as they think they are! And the comment about not having time for this foolishness is spot on! If you are busy with "wholesome" endeavors, the chance of this stuff happening will go way down. What's the old saying, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop"?

Exactly. 

Julie, I misunderstood your tone. By you stating: "who the hell has time...", I assumed you were very serious. I didn't get that you were being semi-amusing/pathetic.

No one cheated on me. I was offering my advice, not blaming others, pointing out a weakness in anyone else, or calling anyone a name - even if it is a semi-amusing/pathetic tone.

I was a former sailor living in Sasebo and have firsthand knowledge of a wife cheating and of sailors cheating on their wives. That doesn't make anyone a loser or a bad person. When we can start to accept others for who they are including their faults, maybe we'll start to become better role models for those that aren't perfect. 

As a Navy female myself, I have seen it on both ends. I seen "devoted" family men go on deployment hit Thailand and go get a happy ending at a massage parlor. Oh the stuff I saw is crazy. But I also saw women and men who cheat on thier spouses while they were gone with out a care in the world. I was a victim of my husband infedility as well I was the one who cheated also for revenge. I do not condone adultary by any means but people need to realize that it happens more than you think. And  that happy marriage you thought you had might be a fraud. It does suck when you have children as me and my ex husband do. But you know but karma is a B>>>>, this is very true. My husband cheated on me and I was devasted to the point I did the same. I never told him this and when I did the cheating I ended up catching a STD. That's when I realized 2 wrongs don't make a right and everyone makes mistakes but you need to be the one to be the better person. You never know the person who posted this your husband could be doing the deed with girls on your ship and you will never know. Believe me it happens!

If they were swingers, it wouldn't be cheating, lol. When you hear that word it isn't a bad thing...

All I gotta say is welcome to Navy life. I've been married to a Sailor since the beginning of his career and I've worked in the base clubs (it's the same on the E side as the O side)... I've got a lot of stories to tell!

So do you think that the spouse usually finds out about infidelity, that it comes out in the end, or do people not find out? I've heard so many horror stories about this issue, that I wonder if any of the sailors are faithful throughout their entire military career. No offense to those that are, I'm just curious if it's possible for them to remain faithful, especially when they're on deployment for so many months at a time. It just sets them up to this end, in my opinion. We're about to begin our first sea duty tour, and I'm scared about this. I know people say you need to have trust, but I'm not naive. I'm the kind of person who doesn't fully trust anyone, but I trust my husband more than most. Still, we're all human, so I don't think anyone can ever really be sure. I'm jaded, I know.

Jupiterinka --I'd have to say a lot of people do get away with it. 'Specially on the Military member side... no one is going to know they cheated in Thailand unless a fellow shipmate tells on them or they carry home a disease. Spouses at home here can get away with it if they're discreet... but the ones who are out in public *coughHonchcough* will probably eventually get caught. If you screw around within the community it's going to get out because we live in a small world as Military families. I've scene stuff unravel years later because people were stationed on the same command by chance again... he said, she said... facebook, etc...

You have to have trust. But in doubt go with your gut and never second guess taking a STD test if you're worrying. I'd like to say you'd know if a partner was cheating because they'd "change" or there'd be "clues" but I know of many people who are oblivious. *Shrug*

My husband and I had a talk about this very topic years ago.  He said that while he was in the Navy, he couldn't believe how many guys would go out and cheat on their wives / girlfriends.  He said that it happened so much that most guys didn't even think twice about it.   Out of all the guys that he would go out with, there would only be one other guy in the group that wasn't out looking for a little "something, something" while visiting a port.  I think the peer pressure kicks in on these ships, and the whole cheating thing just becomes commonplace. 

You gotta really know your spouse.  If you even think there's a chance that he might cheat, then you're probably right........if the opportunity is ever thrown at him.  I've always trusted my husband 100%.  I know him better than I know anyone else in this world, and we both share the same views on infidelity.  But for us, trust has always been one of the most important elements in our relationship.  Without trust, everything else goes out the window.  But, then again, even after 10 years of marriage, we're still best friends.  Too many couple start to take their relationship for granted, and then the whole marriage starts to fall apart.  Marriage takes a lot of work, and if both partners aren't willing to commit 100%, then that only opens up that small hole in the relationship where one person ends up straying. 

I've seen a lot of cheating on the military side and the dependent side. Not only do people go buck wild in liberty ports but a lot of sailors have boat husbands and wives. Most spouses never find out about what really goes down on the boat or in a liberty port. What happens on deployment stays on deployment and most people honor that code.

On the dependent side there are a ton of busy bodies who try to get all up in other people business so, if you choose to step-outside your marriage be prepared for a giant line of ladies foaming at the mouth to fill your spouse in once deployment is over.

It all comes down to trust and making your marriage a priority. But listen to your gut, if you think your spouse is cheating 9 times out of 10, you're right.

Do it old school: husbands at sea break out the hand lotion and wives at home break out the vibrator.

From some of the responses, it sounds like most of the sailors cheat. How am I supposed to trust my husband if that's the case.....that so many service members cave in to the peer pressure & then so many of the spouses don't even find out about it? I don't know if I can do this! The military life isn't for everyone, but I'm already married, so it's kind of late. I do love my husband, but cheating is a deal breaker for me personally.

Would it be safe to say when member come from a deployment that but the spouses get STD tested.

Just a point of definition: Cheaters are not Swinging, and Swinging is not Cheating.

Now back to your continued rant.

From some of the responses, it sounds like most of the sailors cheat. How am I supposed to trust my husband if that's the case.....that so many service members cave in to the peer pressure & then so many of the spouses don't even find out about it? I don't know if I can do this! The military life isn't for everyone, but I'm already married, so it's kind of late. I do love my husband, but cheating is a deal breaker for me personally.

WHOA. Stop right there. You are getting waaaaaaaay to paranoid about this.

Yes everyone of us has heard of (or seen first hand) cheaters in action. Does that mean all military personnel cheat, NO. Does that mean all spouses cheat, NO. It just means it happens. Happens out side the military too, you just don't tend to live in as close quarters outside the military as you do inside it so you don't hear or see it as much, or even realize it when you do. It's also because of those close quarters that cheaters get caught, which is when EVERYONE hears about it. What you don't hear about are the people that don't cheat. Mostly because you can't make a big ol juicy story about it.

For whatever its worth, cheating has got nothing to do with peer pressure and everything to do with the kind of person someone is. In other words, if a man or woman is the type of person who would cheat, the only thing military does, is maybe give them better opportunity to do so.

Posted By jupiterinka on 06-29-2011 2:48 PM
From some of the responses, it sounds like most of the sailors cheat. How am I supposed to trust my husband if that's the case.....that so many service members cave in to the peer pressure & then so many of the spouses don't even find out about it? I don't know if I can do this! The military life isn't for everyone, but I'm already married, so it's kind of late. I do love my husband, but cheating is a deal breaker for me personally.

Jupiterinka:  Have you had this conversation with your husband?  If you haven't, then you need to let him know that you won't tolerate cheating in your relationship, and that it "is a deal breaker."  He needs to know how you feel.  It does you no good to feel paranoid about him cheating though.....that is neither healthy in the relationship, and could end up working against you in the end.  Work on trusting each other, and continue building on the good, rather than focusing on the bad.  If both you and your husband are happy within your marriage, then you'll have less to worry about.  Just continue to work on treating each other with respect and kindness, and continue to support each other when times get rough.......that's what having a partner is all about......to lift you up when you are down, and to keep each other smiling on your journey through life together. 

Amy, thanks for your post. I hope you're right that the faithful ones are out there. It just sounds like they're few & far between. Plus, I haven't really noticed any men chiming in talking about how they've been faithful or anything. I am honestly paranoid about this issue, and I know that it's a problem. Yoko-girl, thanks for your positive encouragement and advice. This is an ongoing issue with me. My husband & I have talked about it, but that doesn't solve anything or mean that he won't cheat just because he knows how I feel about it. I want to focus on the good, but even people in so called "happy marriages" and spouses who claim to love each other sometimes cheat. I'm not sure one woman is ever enough for a man (or some women--no offense to either gender; it's biology). So no matter what I do, or say, how I look......nothing could prevent it if it's going to happen.

Jupiter, You are only responsible for your own relationship, not others. Do not focus on what others do, only focus on making your own marriage work. Trust and respect are two things absolutely needed, especially when your husband is away. Two great points were already made- cheating is universal for male/female/military/civilian and that marriages take hard work. Only you and your husband can agree what is acceptable or not acceptable in your marriage and hold each other accountable.

One of my suggestions would be to arrange counseling sessions together with either a counselor from FFSC or chaplain before your husband goes underway and during. Sometimes having that third party really helps guide serious conversations in the right direction and helps your voice be heard and lets you convey what you are saying rather than getting stuck on emotions. They can also help you when and if you start getting paranoid about what may be happening when he is away.

I was oblivious and also shocked about how this type of behavior seemed like it was accepted when we reported to my husband's first ship many years ago. We decided the best thing for our relationship was to not associate ourselves with the cheating husbands/wives and we both had a small circle of friends from the command who shared our thoughts on what was ok in a marriage. It probably helped that neither of us are big drinkers or partiers as that seems to assist putting people in situations they normally wouldn't find themselves in while sober. I still participated in the Family Support Group meetings and events but did not get caught up in all of the craziness. While underway, my husband would call in ports and email as often as possible, do his job, stayed away from the bars, and enjoyed all of the local sight seeing in the ports. Sure, he was heckled by the guys sometimes but he was also the one everyone came to for help or advise when they made the wrong decision or was starting to get caught up in drinking or cheating and they knew they could trust him. Many of the wives were upset that our ship was doing multiple port calls throughout Mexico and S. America because of the "trouble" their husbands might get in but I was excited (and insanely jealous) that he got to see and experience such amazing places! I respect my husband enough that infidelity has never even crossed my mind and I trust that he feels the same, we also voice any concern immediately rather than letting it stew which just seems to unnecessarily blow up and make anthill type problems the size of mountains!

Starting now, decide how you want your marriage to be and voice this to your husband. Surround yourself with positive people and those that share your morals. They are out there, even in Yokosuka, lol! Remember, not all Military families find cheating acceptable or just "what happens on deployment" and not all of us have been cheated on or cheated.

Shannon, thank you for your kind response. I really don't know what to say, but you made some good points.

I was going to post some snarky comments about this, but instead I'll throw this out...

I've made visits to Spain, Italy, Malta, Bahrain, Dubai, Fleet Week in New York, Fleet Week in Ft. Lauderdale, St. Thomas, Canada, Greece, Turkey, Portugal, Australia, Thailand, Singapore, Diego Garcia, Hawaii, San Diego, Norfolk, Mayport, England, and France; all while on active duty.

I was married for all of these EXCEPT Fleet Week in New York.

Guess how many of those places I hooked up with someone? Go ahead... 18... Nope. 12... Not even close. 3. Getting warmer. 1. That's right. ONE. And it was New York, when I wasn't married.

Not all of us Squids are slimy bottom-feeders that hump anything that moves. Give us some credit.

Jupiterinka - keep in mind that your husband married you because he saw something in you that he didn't see in anyone else. Don't lose site of that. Not all husbands cheat, but you still need to be open with each other on how you feel. If this is something that really bothers you, then as someone mentioned above, you may want to look into getting some counseling to give your relationship a fighting chance. You should feel comfortable telling your husband anything and trust that he will remain faithful to you and you alone. If you don't feel that way, then you're going to have problems further on down the road. Some couples have trouble communicating their thoughts and feeling in an effective way, so it doesn't hurt to get a 3rd party involved that has the experience with bringing couples together in building a lasting relationship.

Hmmmm Rashaka, I am not sure why the need for such a defensive post. I have not read anywhere on these two pages where anyone called or hinted as our Sailors being "slimy bottom feeders that hump anything that moves". In fact, the OP was about swinging/cheating wives and the thread evolved and more than one poster pointed out that cheating happens everywhere- military, dependents and civilians! I think you should reread everyone's posts if you think they were directed at only one category.

The last few posts from jupiter... "From some of the responses, it sounds like most of the sailors cheat" and "It just sounds like they're few & far between. Plus, I haven't really noticed any men chiming in talking about how they've been faithful or anything"

I was chiming in and talking about how I've been faithful. Maybe my "slimy" comment was a bit much, but what I posted was 100 times nicer that what I initially typed.

Why should men have to chime in and say if they're cheating or not? Why not have everyone chime in about their faithfulness? If the OP was talking about cheating/swinging wives why not call out the wives specifically?

My fault for letting jupiter's comments get under my skin; but as a Sailor that is married and has NEVER cheated it bugged me that Sailors and men were getting called out.

Dual military couple here.

I'm 100% certain that we haven't cheated on each other. Being dual military we've became more aware of what happens on a "long" deployment and foreign port. We don't really need to tell each other "please don't cheat" or question each others faithfulness, we trust that we would do what is best.

I guess its safe to say that we don't really have a purpose for cheating, we're not perfect but we make sure we know that we got each other's back all the time and not just in the times of need.

**edit**
wait, is this like the navy saying "if it looks like they are doing it, then they must be doing it". I know cheating, swinging, fling-ing or whatever the proper term may be happens, but let's not be quick to point fingers.

I work in the world we're there's more men than women, its normal that my closest buddies are male, we've been through craziest scenarios of our time so i think its understandable if we have males close to us other than our husbands.

So what time are we all meeting up in the Ikego club to kick off the weekend? I didnt know Ikego was such a happening spot with all of this kinda stuff going on! :-0)

Oh thank you blacklabel, I've been waiting for someone to comment along those lines.

I'll be there tomorrow at 7 wearing a red dress.


ybigale --I wouldn't think that. Because I think the cheating the OP was talking about is the kind that's right out in the open. Not just assuming because "she's talking to a dude that isn't her husband". I'd say half the cheating I've witnessed was pretty much no secret either...

I think alot of what is suspected is mostly perception. Alot of people like to put info out that isn't completely true just because it is what is thought or percieved. I have seen things go both ways and nether are right in one way or the other. I was on my first ship and had pulled into Melbourne Australia. A few friends of mine went to a strip club. A few of them were married. Within a few days later a some wives from the Family Support group of the ship happened to be knocking at my friend's wife's door, informing her that he went to a stripclub. It was perfectly fine with her that he went and she didn't ever go to another Family Support Group meeting ever again . I am not saying that cheating is right but what I don't like is people seeing one thing and possibly twisting it into another thing because of what they think they see. If you don't have anything better to do than watch what other people are doing than you need to find another hobby and if you want to know what really is going on, maybe you should just ask the person instead of speculating. I love my wife dearly and will never do anything to hurt her but I have seen alot of relationships , in my almost 13 year of service, hurt just becouse of hear say or people not minding their own business. This is not a cop out or a defense of people who are actually wronging their spouses but I would think that as long as you keep you own relationship full of trust and love, it shouldn't matter what other people are doing.

P.S. I have no spell check on here so I am sorry if my spelling isn't the greatest. I never won any spelling Bees when I was in school

Yeah I wonder how I missed this info in the Area Orientation Brief (AOB) class? It is a base so there must be a sign up sheet and some paperwork required in order to join all of this fun activity? They should just make the bar in Ikego an MWR tour if it is that happening ? Might work out, though I am not sure when they were talking about bringing the community together that this was the type of thing they were talking about? :-)