Parenting Skills: Discipline Versus Punishment
By Robyn L. Wilson, Fleet and Family Support Center
July 16, 2010

Learning how to effectively discipline your child is an important skill that all parents need to learn. Discipline is not the same as punishment. Discipline has to do more with teaching. Teaching your child right from wrong, how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.

The goal of discipline is to help develop a child who feels secure, loved, and self-confident, and knows how to control his or her impulses. Physical abuse can occur when a parent attempts to “discipline” or “punish” their child for behavior they feel is unacceptable. Many people use the terms discipline and punishment interchangeably, but there is a difference.

Punishment is a “penalty” for misbehavior. Punishment, for example, can be physical, such as in spanking; or it can be psychological, as in expressing verbal disapproval. Discipline, on the other hand, is a tool that can help children learn self-control and take responsibility for their own behavior. Here are some alternatives to spanking:

• Be a positive role model. Most children learn behaviors by observing their parents’ actions. Parents must model the ways in which they want their children to behave. If a parent often yells, screams or hits, the child is likely to do the same.

• Set rules and consequences. Make rules that are reasonable, fair, realistic and appropriate to a child’s level of development. Explain the rules to children along with the consequences of not following them. It is important that these consequences are related to the actual misbehavior, so children can learn from them. If children are old enough, they can be included in establishing both the rules and consequences of breaking them. This can help build self-esteem and cooperation skills, and reduce children’s feelings of resentment or anger.

• Be consistent in your methods of disciplining your child. This applies to all caregivers. It is normal for children to test their limits, and if you are inconsistent in what these limits are, you will be encouraging more misbehavior.

• Avoid physical punishment. Spanking has never been shown to be more effective than other forms of punishment. It makes your child more aggressive and angry.

• Avoid too much criticism. Make sure your child understands that it is the misbehavior that you are unhappy with and that you will always love him or her.

• Encourage and reward good behavior. Give your child verbal praise when they are behaving appropriately. In addition to giving verbal praise, occasionally reward children with tangible objects, privileges or increase responsibility - as long as such rewards are within reason.

• Give “time outs.” Time outs involve removing children from a situation following a negative behavior. This can help children calm down, establish control, end the inappropriate behavior and reenter the situation in a positive way. Make sure to explain what the inappropriate behavior is and why the time out is needed. Tell children when the time out will begin and how long it will last, and have them sit facing a wall away from distractions. Set an appropriate length for the time out based on age and level of development, usually just for a few minutes.

Inappropriate behavior always will have consequences of one kind or another. The parents’ role is to help the child make the right decisions so consequences are not necessary. If consequence is necessary it should be appropriate, fair, never excessive and always fit the behavior to which it is responding. The goal is to increase discipline, which will decrease punishment.

The Fleet and Family Support Center (FFSC) offers a parenting workshop called Elements of Successful Parenting and also has a wide array of materials and resources for parents use. Stop by our offices on the fourth floor of the Community Readiness Center, or call 243-FFSC (3372) for more information.