Commitment
May 7, 2010
By Chaplain John Swanson

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; and I promise to be faithful to you, forsaking all others, until death do us part.”

- Book of Common Prayer

Have you ever pondered commitment? I love talking to couples about commitment. Many young couples think commitment means they will never be attracted to another. That definition is sure to set you up for disappointment. The reality is the grass sometimes does look greener on the other side of the fence. However, it’s just as hard to mow.

A great definition of commitment I heard was coined by Scott Stanley. Stanley is at the University of Denver and is one of the founders of the PREP program for couples. PREP stands for “Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program.” Many of the Navy’s Chaplains Religious Enrichment Development Operation, better known as CREDO, marriage weekends and our local marriage enrichment workshops utilize PREP tools. Stanley defines commitment this way: “Commitment means saying ‘no’ to all the other choices.”

Stanley concludes there will always be other choices. There may be times when we are even attracted to those other choices. But commitment means saying no to the other choices.

Interestingly, the popular idea of soul mates can contribute to our restlessness. If you really believe that a person is your soul mate and that there is no one else in the entire world with whom you can be truly happy, what happens when you meet someone you are attracted to, whether emotionally or romantically?

Suddenly, commitment may be called into question. “Maybe my partner really isn’t my soul mate… Maybe I made a mistake... All we do is argue… I don’t feel the romance anymore… Maybe I married the wrong person.” So goes the rationalization. The popular belief in soul mates is a romantic notion, but it can also lead one to question one’s choice, especially when there is a lot of disagreement and conflict in the marriage. If there is only one person in the entire universe who can truly fulfill me and make me happy, and I find myself unhappy, then maybe I’m not with the right person. And so the search goes on.

A healthier and more realistic view is that there are probably many people with whom we can be happy. One of the statements I always express to young couples to think about before marriage is, “My partner is the only person with whom I can have a happy marriage.” Almost all couples agree with the statement. Really? Out of the six billion people on the planet, this is the only person with whom you can truly be happy? That’s pretty unrealistic. There are probably many people with whom we can have a happy marriage.

Commitment is making a decision about one person and then saying no to all the other choices. Commitment is a conscious decision about one person knowing there are other choices in the world. Commitment should never be simply based on feelings. Feelings change from day-to-day and are unpredictable. Romance and feelings of love may come and go.

Most marriages typically go through seasons. Commitment endures winter and waits for spring. It should never be grounded on how I “feel” about someone on any given day. Commitment is a conscious decision and choice to care for and love your mate each and every day, in spite of how you may feel.

I encourage you to attend one of the marriage enrichment workshops offered here and make an investment in your marriage. Workshops on the five love languages and communication-conflict resolution are available, as is marriage counseling through our chaplains and the Fleet and Family Support Center.

Contact the Chapel of Hope at 243-6773 for more information.