I didn't want to derail the babysitting thread anymore with parenting differences, so I thought I'd bring a discussion over here. It's not really intended to be a heated debate or anything judgy, but more a discussion about balancing all the things that are important to us and to society when we parent our children.

I guess, what my question boils down to is this: How do we keep from being too protective and helicoptering our children, but also how do we make sure that we're not being negligent with our children?

I tend to be more laid back, and I suppose some would be horrified with that. I am do actually understand the worries that some parents have over all the dangers that exist for little ones. I am concerned with those things. I used to be paranoid about them, but I've had to force myself to let things go, because I also worry about the consequences of making things too smooth for them. I'm concerned that if I'm too protective of them, I might not be preparing them for the real world. I don't want them to go off to college and never have experienced any sort of failure. I want them to fail at little things when they're little; when I'm still with them to comfort them and help them figure out how to recover from failure. I also want them to learn that there are consequences for their actions, and I'd rather that be learned when they trip on the sidewalk after I'd told them not to run, than for them to learn the hard way that texting and driving should not mix.

So how do we do it? How do we keep them safe, but let them learn to fly? How do we keep from going to one extreme or another?

Great thread & great comments! FYI, my son is now 21 so I've successfully raised someone through the teen years.

A couple of thoughts: (1) The more trust they earn, the more you give them. This is the only way for them to prove they are trustworthy. So, start out with something small like a 12-year-old coming home on time from a party. If they succeed in small things like that, entrust them with greater things. I know parents who, no matter how trustworthy their kids are, won't give them increasing levels of freedom, which just causes resentment in the kid and makes them go behind their parent's back.

Secondly, don't be afraid of your kids getting hurt. If they run on the sidewalk, they might fall & skin their knee. Let them do it! They will learn that running on the sidewalk is fun & involves risk; they can set their own risk-tolerance levels. I would never tell my kid NOT to run, but I might warn him if he runs & falls, it's gonna hurt. Tell him that running on the grass might be a better idea. Let THEM decide. Besides, once you tell them not to run & they ignore you, now you've set up a dicey situation. Do you enforce what you told them and make a scene? Good luck! Or do you ignore what you told them? That teaches them they can ignore mom & dad without consequence. Don't tell them "Do this" or "Don't do that" unless your ready & willing to back it up.

The same can be said for all other aspects of life. The only thing is, you need to protect from something truly dangerous. For example, if you follow the news in San Diego, I wouldn't let my teen daughter practice cross-country running alone in isolated routes. There are some risks that are just unrecoverable and kids generally don't have an appreciation for that. They feel they are bullet-proof. Texting & driving is another great example. They just don't get it.

Well, normally, I wouldn't have a problem with running on the sidewalk, but I have one daughter who likes to run far ahead when we walk somewhere and the other one moves at a glacial pace, so I get stuck in the middle, telling one to slow down and one to speed up. Actually, any suggestions on that issue, short of keeping a 4.5 year old on a leash (which I don't exactly have a problem with, but I think she's old enough that I think we wouldn't have to be doing that anymore), would be helpful.

haha funny. Yeah, kids each have their own personality and a challenge for parents is to treat each one as an individual. So the question here: Is your "fast" daughter well-trained to wait at the corner & not cross the street alone? If so, let her run! Maybe the rule is, as long as she's in view of mom then it's ok.  As far as trusting on the little things, as long as she doesn't cross the street till you get there, she's golden. But if the breaks that rule, out comes the leash!  She would hate it, and probably not violate the rule again.

A military base is a good place for her to learn these skills since drivers tend to be slower & more watchful for kids than in a US neighborhood.

Well, we're working on the not going through the crosswalk until I get there, but she's still pretty impulsive and last week, I had to yank her back when someone didn't even slow down before the crosswalk (in the morning when kids are going to school and people are going to work, which is a rant for somewhere else). She's getting better at stopping and waiting, but probably 2 times out of 10 she forgets. Maybe I'll just start bringing the leash with me, in case she breaks that rule.

I guess what sparked my thoughts in the babysitting thread was the statement that most parents today wouldn't allow someone without CPR/First Aid training to babysit their kids (and to the mom that said it, I'm not picking on you, it's just what you said got me wondering). I kind of sat here thinking, "Hmmm ... I think that's a nice bonus, but not something that I consider a requirement to watch my kids, especially considering I'm not certified. Maybe I'm a weirdo." Now, I probably am a weirdo, but an informal polling of my friends suggests that they think the same as I do (one has a pool and so she insists on CPR certified people as babysitters, which I think is perfectly reasonable) and maybe I'm not that weird on this particular subject. When I look for a sitter, I'm looking for someone my kids feel comfortable with, who will be kind to them and help them when they need something. I was starting to wonder if I'm negligent, or if maybe some parents are just really more protective than I am.

I have 2 sons and decided pretty early on that the first was going to have to be the one we figured out how to parent on. I therefore decided he can have a car when he turns 18 as payback for being the test case.

Doc

I have one son, but being the fourth child in a BIG family I got to raise and watch my younger siblings be raised. Therefore I have a decent idea on how I want to raise my son....now if only I could convince my wife it'd be all good. Unfortunately we don't agree on a lot of things when it comes to raising our son and has been the subject of many heated debates.
There lies a whole other can of worms. What do you do when your spouse doesn't agree with the way you think your children should be raised?