Facts About Kids

**You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

**Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

**Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

**There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb.

**Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

**I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly
wouldn't have paid for me.

**Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

**Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

**The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

**We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

A GREAT MARRIAGE

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship, " the husband explained. "She was a comm-unications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
She communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a young man becomes a traffic engineer, should he become known as a 'roads' scholar?
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Everyone needs to be loved . . . especially when they do not deserve it. -Author Unknown
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With every passing hour, our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
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A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
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Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
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Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
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Thot for the Day:
Opportunity knocked at my door, but I was at the pier waiting for my ship to come in.

CHINA CLONES HUMAN
Scientists in China have recently performed the first successful cloning of a human being. Unfortunately, the DNA donor for the cloning had Turrets Syndrome. As a result, the clone exhibited the same characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor.
The lead scientist for the project recently admitted taking the
clone to the roof of the science facility and pushing him to his
death. This, due to the incessant profanity which the new clone
used.
The scientist has been charged with making an obscene clone fall.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How's She Get Like That?
When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference,
the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she
started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention
in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example,
she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher
explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could
she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our
appointment was for tomorrow."

My Daily Workout

    Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
    You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
            ~~~~~~

Whew! What a workout!
    I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

OLE 'n SVEN + DA DEVIL
Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both die, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit,ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to beenjoying yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

Subject: Father O'Malley

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to
send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also
obliged to first notify the next of kin."

Difference Between
Grandfathers and Grandmothers
 
    This is funny even if you are not a grandparent.
 
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
 
    A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
 
    When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
 
    'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
 
    'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single [***}hole, dumb [***]tard, dip[****] or horse's [***] anywhere we went today!'
 
    Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very

excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohamed. Having

arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.

'No, my son.. I am Peter. Mohamed is higher up.

And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder

in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he

meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?

'No, I am Moses. Mohamed is higher still.

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder

and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another

man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again,

'Are you Mohamed?

'No, I am Jesus.. You will find Mohamed higher up.

Mohamed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and

climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room

where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps, as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son ... I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a

coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'

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"Old Dogs"

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

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